Gee, Officer Krupke,
We’re down on our knees,
‘Cause no one wants a fellow with a social disease.
– "Officer Krupke," from "West Side Story." Lyric by Stephen Sondheim.
Actually, son, it’s your dad who has the "social disease."
Many people consider ADHD to be a disease, a disability. Your dad gave it to you. It’s your inheritance, and in many ways it is more precious than gold.
But like any great gift, it has side effects. Nothing comes free. This is the most important lesson you can learn in your life, and you’re learning it early.
I saw your teachers today. They say you’re brilliant. But you also lose patience easily. You try to tell them how to teach. You argue. You’re always raising your hand.
Public schools can’t have that. They have to teach everyone. Even people who aren’t as smart as you are. Even the linear-minded who weren’t gifted with ADHD. You have to learn patience, for now. You have to be quiet, for now. You have to forgive them their trespasses, as they learn to forgive you yours.
This morning we approached the school for my conference about you, the conference which would settle your future at school. Your bus was emptying out, and
one of your classmates called, "John, you missed the bus?" She smiled.
I explained. You walked on.
One piece of advice, son. Don’t walk on. Stop and talk. It’s awkward,
it’s hard, but it helps. Share. Even those not gifted with ADHD can
recognize your gifts, appreciate them, appreciate you, and in doing so
help you forgive yourself the mistakes you make in life.
Anyone can have Robin Williams in their head.
Your great challenge, which you have no choice but to accept, is to
harness your Robin Williams, to keep his strengths without losing your
mind.
Not easy for anyone. Not for me. Not for Robin. Not for anyone with
ADHD. But such is the price of the gift. It’s a gift I know you didn’t
ask for.
But it is a gift. Don’t let anyone tell you different. If they try to,
don’t argue, just nod your head and move on. Those without gifts may not choose to
understand. It’s their choice. You can’t make them. They don’t have
Robin Williams in their head. Maybe they’re all alone in there. They
may even feel at peace as a result. Maybe peace is their gift.
Let them enjoy their gift, as you embrace your own. Thanks for all you have taught me, and all you will teach me.
Not guilty by reason of excessive sanity.
I had my own issues with public school teachers. Lucky for me, things came to a head in 3rd grade, far too early for there to be any long term repercussions. I got banished to private school for two years. It was actually a very positive experience. Your advice to your son about not walking on, not avoiding human interaction (even when it seems alien or purposeless) is very good. It’s something I still struggle with myself. Perhaps one good thing that can come out of this is that John takes such advice more readily to heart, as he has seen first hand where the other road leads. Good luck to you both.
I had my own issues with public school teachers. Lucky for me, things came to a head in 3rd grade, far too early for there to be any long term repercussions. I got banished to private school for two years. It was actually a very positive experience. Your advice to your son about not walking on, not avoiding human interaction (even when it seems alien or purposeless) is very good. It’s something I still struggle with myself. Perhaps one good thing that can come out of this is that John takes such advice more readily to heart, as he has seen first hand where the other road leads. Good luck to you both.
Dana, here’s a note to your kid… John, you’re 16. In the next 20 years, you’re going to disappoint a lot of people. If you’re bright, creative, and effective, there will be lots and lots of people who will have some model of your potential in their minds that you won’t meet, because you will be idealized over and over as someone who can do something they dream of doing. You will disappoint parents, teachers, professors, bosses, business partners, people you lead, women you’re involved with, younger people who look up to you, neighbors, rich people who could ensure your success if you can tolerate them, lifelong friends, your dog, etc. If you’re lucky, you won’t disappoint yourself too badly.
You have to resolve as soon as you can that physical confrontation is no-win in most situations you’ll ever encounter. You can’t be goaded into one, and you can’t goad others into one. It’ll probably take a lot longer and a tough lesson or two for you to learn to flush your enemies out of your life cleanly and not look back or seek revenge.
But you’re on your way to harnessing a skill that will be a multiplier of your value and power in every relationship you enter. That is the ability to call bullshit. When you sense it, and you can lock down a safe transition to a better situation, feel free to call it. Early on, you’ll probably call it, and then have to swim your way out of the mess, but you’ll always find something better when things get that bad. Eventually, you’ll hook up with good people who know how you need to be nurtured to want to be effective rather than the fluffers who just want to direct and control you.
Open yourself to opportunities, apply yourself to accomplishing worthy goals and outshining your real and perceived competitors in the process. Leave no doubt that you can do great things start to finish. But leave no doubt that your own fulfillment is part of the deal. You’ll find your calling eventually. Keep it together as best you can until then.
Dana, here’s a note to your kid… John, you’re 16. In the next 20 years, you’re going to disappoint a lot of people. If you’re bright, creative, and effective, there will be lots and lots of people who will have some model of your potential in their minds that you won’t meet, because you will be idealized over and over as someone who can do something they dream of doing. You will disappoint parents, teachers, professors, bosses, business partners, people you lead, women you’re involved with, younger people who look up to you, neighbors, rich people who could ensure your success if you can tolerate them, lifelong friends, your dog, etc. If you’re lucky, you won’t disappoint yourself too badly.
You have to resolve as soon as you can that physical confrontation is no-win in most situations you’ll ever encounter. You can’t be goaded into one, and you can’t goad others into one. It’ll probably take a lot longer and a tough lesson or two for you to learn to flush your enemies out of your life cleanly and not look back or seek revenge.
But you’re on your way to harnessing a skill that will be a multiplier of your value and power in every relationship you enter. That is the ability to call bullshit. When you sense it, and you can lock down a safe transition to a better situation, feel free to call it. Early on, you’ll probably call it, and then have to swim your way out of the mess, but you’ll always find something better when things get that bad. Eventually, you’ll hook up with good people who know how you need to be nurtured to want to be effective rather than the fluffers who just want to direct and control you.
Open yourself to opportunities, apply yourself to accomplishing worthy goals and outshining your real and perceived competitors in the process. Leave no doubt that you can do great things start to finish. But leave no doubt that your own fulfillment is part of the deal. You’ll find your calling eventually. Keep it together as best you can until then.
Dana, while I am so sorry that all this is happening in your family, your writing about it and the compassionate responses from your readers makes this series the foundation for a book for others–parents and children and perhaps school personnel–for we all need to better recognize the multiple forms of human personality we encounter throughout our lives and learn how to help each succeed.
I was never diagnosed, and thus never trained in the fine arts of focus and human relationships. I’ve been fortunate in my friendships and I am grateful, but I’m still working on creating “success” in the professional end of things now in my 6th decade. The gifts of brilliance that can come with ADHD are wondrous, the pain matches it. I love you and your son and thanks so much for sharing.
Dana, while I am so sorry that all this is happening in your family, your writing about it and the compassionate responses from your readers makes this series the foundation for a book for others–parents and children and perhaps school personnel–for we all need to better recognize the multiple forms of human personality we encounter throughout our lives and learn how to help each succeed.
I was never diagnosed, and thus never trained in the fine arts of focus and human relationships. I’ve been fortunate in my friendships and I am grateful, but I’m still working on creating “success” in the professional end of things now in my 6th decade. The gifts of brilliance that can come with ADHD are wondrous, the pain matches it. I love you and your son and thanks so much for sharing.