Apple Diamond Platinum Service Launches

Apple, having made some inroads into the high-end market with the $10,000 Apple Watch Edition, today announced its entry into even higher-end luxury with Apple Diamond Platinum Service.

CEO Tim Cook explained on a hastily-called conference call that Apple Diamond Platinum only starts with products. It also provides a higher level of service than any other technology company platform has ever sought to deliver, to the most discerning customers in the world.

Any family with a net worth of $1 billion or more can tithe $100 million into a special account for Apple Diamond Platinum service. Under the plan, the customer’s homes, cars, kids, pets and wrists will all be fitted with Apple equipment, and the customer will be given quick service response on any call, no matter how strange it may appear. “There are no stupid questions,” as senior vice president of design Jony Ive explained, “only stupid people who ask questions.”

With Apple Diamond Platinum Service Apple WiFi at speeds to 1 Gigabit/second will fill your home and office, tailored to extend only to the walls and then stop. Mac Pros will be in every office, MacBooks in every living room, Apple TVs will connect to each set, the latest iPhone will be in every pocket and Apple Edition Watches will adorn every wrist. All these products will be replaced every six months, or on the day newer products are delivered into stores, for as long as the customer retains the account.

When service or support is called for, one call or one e-mail to a designated Apple representative will bring one-on-one service directly to your family member. Whether you’re trying to load an app, check the weather in Abu Dhabi or just get an advance look at the last season of “Mad Men,” Apple will be there to serve you under its Apple Diamond Platinum Service banner.

As a mark of its intention to provide only the very best in service to the very best customers, Cook said, every Apple executive with a rank of director or above has been randomly assigned to a customer placing $100 million into an Apple account for Apple Diamond Platinum service. “That’s why Jay Z missed the opening of the Tidal music service,” Cook explained. “There was a kid in Abu Dhabi having trouble with his homework, and his name came up. Fortunately it was on the history of hip-hop.”

Cook concluded, “With Apple Diamond Platinum, Apple service and support open a new page. Not only will we be directly on-call for our best customers, but they will help us define the future of technology….”

Unfortunately, the rest of Cook’s statement was garbled, as we were told he had to leave the conference call abruptly. An investigation by Seeking Alpha has revealed, however, that he was actually signaled by his own Apple Diamond Platinum customer, in Shanghai, to handle a technical issue.

While Apple keeps its Diamond Platinum account holders’ names a tight secret, this reporter has discovered that it is an executive with Alibaba (BABA) named Yu RenJie. (That last is your Clue to this whole piece.)